Resentment (a month after leaving academia)
On June 1st, I quit my job. Well, technically I was laid-off without much fanfare. The grant that funded me was pulled due to the NIH cuts. My boss was scrambling to find money to extend my postdoc for another six months (as an hourly). I was going to use the six month extension but after a very bad annual review and my wife begging me to quit ("Your boss is abusive babe"), I decided to just be free. Fuck that postdoc.
From June 1st- 31st. I just did nothing. Played video games and walked around Boston. It was easy to forget about all my projects and the topics I once adored. It was a lot harder to let go of the resentment. I still resent everything. I resent my toxic bosses. I resent academia. I resent the people who still have passion for their work. My wife is a postdoc and she is excited about her work every day. I'm jealous.
Her postdoc mentors have been chill. Why were my postdoc mentors so hellish?
I walk around the city of Boston. I feel lighter. But I also feel like something is crawling in my stomach. Bile that reeks of resentment and I have this desire to spit it out and let people see.
Resentment is an ugly feeling. I'm trying to let go of it. Resentment and day-dreaming go hand-in-hand, I learned. I'm trying to let go of that too.
If I did this instead, things would have turned out better. If my mentors weren't toxic, things would have turned out better.
I need to write more.