My motherland rejected me
There's something about being a child of immigrants that gives you a different perspective on being American. My Korean parents left in their twenties and told me how they could not handle their society. So, they left for America. Last year, I traveled to Korea for a conference. I imagined it would be a joyous homecoming. Motherland, motherlandâthe children of diaspora yearn to understand what it is like to see your face reflected in the crowd.
It was an utter disappointment. I looked Korean (not really), spoke a bit of Korean (barely), but I was generally met with disapproval. My white colleagues enthused about how friendly the locals were. My white wife, seeing me berated by the locals, felt guilty and insisted on interacting with them instead.
There's a lot of beauty in Korea. The mountains are grand. The palaces are beautiful. The malls are extravagant. Yet, it is a conservative country, and my wife and I were on our honeymoonâmy mother begged me not to be obviously gay for our safety. Life is convenient here, but life is also hard here. I remember eating ice cream with a group of friends when a small bus passed by at 8 p.m. Inside were young children coming home from a prep school, foreheads pressed against the windowsâasleep. Don't let the veneer fool you.
America has a lot of problems, but it is also my home. When I was on the plane leaving Korea, I told my wife I never wanted to go back. I am American, and I will die on my country's soil. When I returned, I told my white colleagues about my experienceâthey shrugged and could not understand it. I have very few Asian-American friends, but one, a fifth-generation Chinese-American from San Francisco, had no desire to be accepted by her motherlandâshe was sympathetic. Everyone asks if she's from China.
A lot of people talk about leaving America with the rise of fascism. I'm not leaving because I don't know where I would go. I don't want to leave America because, ultimately, my parents chose it as their home. I was born here. I have Midwestern traits that my San Francisco wife finds quaint. America has a lot of problems, but I don't want to leave. I won't let the white supremacists take my home from me.
Fuck 'em.