I had my annual review (A rant)
I had my annual review with my postdoc advisor which I found to be stupid. My contract ends at the end of May though I have a few months for a stop-gap. I'm exhausted and leaving academia. I had to fill out an individual development plan form to have a meeting.
He went through the first section where I talk about what I accomplished this year. He sneered and the first thing he pointed out was that I did not publish anything. Yep, my value as a employee is just that.
Somehow, even having three manuscripts completed within a year was not being productive enough. It is three separate manuscripts on three separate systems. This isn't productive enough because I did not get them published. Note that publishing a paper takes months due to multiple rounds of reviews. Lot of the time, because there's less reviewers, it could take a long time for the editor to even find a reviewer. Also note that these three systems I never worked in.
I commented that it's not really fair. Many of the papers that he published are data-analysis on already collected data, though are a bit easier to do. I do theoretical modeling. Large complex models that I have to write in C++. I had to figure out how to analytically do the math. These things I had to myself. No one can ever help me. They don't understand the coding nor the math.
He told me his previous postdoc was able to publish a paper within a year. I looked it up. It was a paper that is a short summary of another published paper and another data-analysis paper that was never published.
I sat there angry and clearly from my tone, I sarcastically commented that I have not accomplished much this year if it's just about publication count. He seemed startled and said that it wasn't a personal criticism.
It's like being gaslit.
I told him I'm leaving for industry and my job right now is to finish what I can. He told me he'll be a bit pissed if I went to another postdoc (because this would insinuate that I should I be working on more).
This man shat on my productivity and this bothers me. I sacrificed so much for this job. My health is not great. I'm depressed. I had fights with my wife because I was ruminating on how toxic the work environment is. The toxicity occupies my thoughts and it even makes bile taste sweet.
He told me I'm being defensive.
Fuck this noise. When you're a 4th year postdoc, no one can accuse you of being thin-skinned. Being a postdoc is being subject to humiliation and exploitation. How could I have persisted this long if I was being defensive or thin-skinned?
The man had the galls to ask why I didn't work more on my IDP, he wants to help. He feels like I'm guarding something. Honestly, he shat on my last year accomplishments (I didn't write much down) and I'm glad. I'm furious.
I want everyone to know that I'm not leaving academia just because of the funding cuts. I am leaving because I am exhausted by the toxicity. I find no passion for science. I am burnt out. In exchange for three papers, this man ruined any love I had for my field. I don't feel like I'm a better researcher being in this lab. I find no wonder in what I do. Everyone loves to sing about how academia gives you this intellectual satisfaction but I no longer have it.
Frankly, most new faculty are not intellectual leaders. They are glorified project-managers ready to use you for their gain. I was harped on for my failures, but somehow my success is shared with my postdoc advisor. Anytime I want to talk about my work-in-progress, I'm insulted about it because frankly, faculty just want to put their name on the final product without having to put much thought into it.
Fuck this. Don't be a postdoc.
It ruins all love you have for science. Literally get me a t-shirt that says "I survived my postdoc and ended up with depression".
Good. Fucking. Grief.