Asking stupid and idiotic questions is important
I do a lot of mathematical modeling for ecology. However, I'm relegated to a very specific domain of mathematics (ordinary differential equations, linear algebra, etc.). With very little formal math training, I miss out on a lot of nuances, especially with proofs. Every time I try to fully understand the mathematics by reading extremely tedious proofs or doing mundane exercises, I always find myself frustrated. Faced with my own idiocy, my peers try to make me feel better. "Why? You don't have to do that; you can just work with a mathematician in the future. Just be good at the biology bits."
Enter my wife, the mathematician. I felt like a complete idiot when trying to talk math with her. In my field, I know more math than my peers. But when I compare myself to a true mathematician, it's a bleak reminder of how little I actually know.
I remember when we first started dating (this was during COVID lockdown), and we spent a lot of time together. One thing I liked about her instantly was that she took every stupid question I asked seriously. Out of the blue, I asked her a dumb math question.
I was ready to be teased, but she thought about it and answered with kindness.
She didn’t know she had just opened a floodgate.
I started asking the silliest, most inane math questions. If I didn’t understand the tiniest part, I asked. A proof that didn’t make sense? Babe, what the hell does this mean? Over the years of dating, I realized I had learned a lot of mathematics—different from my own field. I felt more comfortable reading math that I wasn’t used to.
My wife says it’s probably because I’m more experienced and older. I really believe it’s because I’ve been able to ask her stupid, idiotic math questions.
It also made me think about how I want to mentor grad students (if I ever have grad students—lol, the job market is so ass). A faculty member once told me they’re an asshole (literal words) because they want the best out of their grad students. By viciously critiquing them and being brutal with criticism, they believe the students will improve.
I disagree.
I think the fastest way to learn is to be vulnerable with someone more experienced than you. You learn so much faster when you can just ask! But that vulnerability isn’t a starting state—you get to that point through trust and respect. It’s the same with scientific collaboration. Who we choose as a collaborator isn’t always the best person in the field. Sometimes, it’s the person we trust enough to be vulnerable with—to admit when we don’t know the answer.
So, I feel very blessed to have someone in my life who I can ask stupid questions to. I think a goal in anyone’s life is to find that someone.